Welcome to the Family: How to Love Your Daughters and Sons-in-Love Well
Even when our children were small, we found ourselves sometimes praying for their future spouses. It’s never to early or late to pray foundational prayers for the next generations of your family tree. 😊 It’s how we plant seeds for future generations long before they arrive.
As our kids grew up, we talked about how important it was to find someone who loved Jesus, tried to model what a healthy marriage looked like, and tried to show love, respect, and honor to every sibling, parent, in-law, and stepmother in our own family tree...
“Beloved- let us love one another- for love is of God and everyone that loves is born of God and knows God.” I John 4:7
Every family has it’s complications and layers. Our family history came with its own unique twists. My mom passed away when Sarah was only 10 months old, so sadly, she never had the chance to step into the role of a hands-on grandmother. Four years later, our family circle expanded in some interesting and challenging ways I hadn’t expected: I connected with my birth mother, who became a loving grandmother to our children, and my dad remarried, bringing another wonderful grandmother into their lives.
At first, navigating all those layers felt complicated. But my dad said something simple that instantly uncomplicated it for me: " God is love. He made our hearts have enough room to always give more love to people.” (and my dad lived that by example!)
Coming from my dad, this single perspective changed everything for me. It resonated deeply because I was adopted. My family made sure I felt chosen and I never felt anything but belonging and absolutely loved. This understanding of limitless love, expanded my own heart's capacity long before our children grew up. So when the time came for them to marry, my heart was open to welcome their spouses- and eventually grandchildren!
Isn’t this how God intended family to work across generations? From the beginning, He revealed Himself as the God of generations, desiring to connect and relate to us through the many facets and relationships within family. Extended families were meant to be a unique tapestry of love and support, where every member is connected to God’s love and each other. That was the original blueprint and can you imagine for a moment what it would be like if we could all implement God’s glorious longterm plan for family?
Yes! Marriage creates a distinct, intimate bond and start their own unique family with their own tradition. But I don’t think God ever designed nuclear families to be isolated islands. Leaving and cleaving forms a new household, yet it was designed to remain part of a larger, godly tribe. The goal is for parents to champion the young married in their new independence while offering an overarching canopy of prayer, encouragement, and multi-generational support.
Practical Ways to Love Your Childrens Partner’s Well
Sons are a gift from God- whether by birth, adoption or by the marriage
1) Skip the “Law” and go straight to “Love”
I don’t view them simply as "in-laws." These precious adults are the ones our children chose to marry, build a life with and unite and create a family! That means they belong in my heart, too. Without trying to replace their own parents, I give them equal respect, standing, and love in our family. I treasure them for how deeply they cherish each other, and my love grows as I watch them raise our grandchildren together.
2) Treat them with Equality
I once had a friend—we’ll call her Julie—who was deeply hurt by how her mother-in-law treated her. Her husband, Dan, received endless affection, phone calls, and generous gifts, while Julie was completely overlooked, receiving little more than a dish towel every Christmas. That is no way to treat a daughter- or son-in-law.
We determined, we’d treat our adult children and spouses with equal gifts at birthdays and Christmas. Sometimes, at Christmas, we’ve had to scale back and give a couple gift card for dinner along with babysitting but we’re never going to ignore or belittle my family- and everyone is family once they’re married into our family.
3) Don’t Compete- Be Respectful
Take the time to get to know their parents and extended families, and show respect for your son-in-loves and daughter-in-loves established traditions. Most importantly, avoid competing with other in-laws for time or putting your children in a position where they feel forced to pick sides.
We choose to hold our schedule loosely so we can hold our hearts tightly. Instead of insisting on celebrating on the exact calendar day, we coordinate flexible dates that work for everyone- or mostly everyone. 😊
We try to gather once a month to celebrate all the birthdays in that month- but sometimes we have to lump two or three months together. Life happens! For Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years, we check in with everyone beforehand to find a date that accommodates all schedules- and it doesn’t have to be strictly on that “holiday”. Of course we’re sad if there’s times when some of the family can’t make but we are a “no guilt zone” family. Love is the bottom line.
Daughters of the heart are a gift from God to be treasured.
4) Encourage them- Go Deeper
It takes time and effort and intentionality to build relationship with your adult ‘in-loves’. You might send an encouraging text or note, a scripture or song that blessed you that made you think of them, or ask them how work is going, or even better ask them how you can pray for them. I realize I chat with my daughter-in-loves frequently and see them often but as I’m typing this I can see ways I need to try harder with my sons-in-loves! (Sorry guys- I AM going to try harder :) but I still love and respect you so much!❤️)
Investing in your "in-loves" is one of the most powerful steps you can take to secure a thriving family legacy. When we offer equal respect, flexibility, and love to our children's partners, God is glorified, we strengthen the foundation of their marriages and build a house of love that will stand strong throughout the generations.
The Challenge Before Us
Family love grows, deepens, and changes like the seasons. It needs ongoing care and tending! We keep feeding the flame, choosing not to give up or walk away. It’s never about perfection; it’s about making room for more love, extending grace, and taking time to truly understand one another.
What is one intentional step you can take to reach out to your "in-loves" this week?
We’d love to hear from you:
If you are a daughter- or son-in-law, what has a mother- or father-in-law done that made you feel truly welcomed, valued, and loved?
If you are a parent, what is one way you intentionally make room for your children’s spouses in your family tree?
Share your thoughts and stories in the comments below!